Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
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