I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
