Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
