am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I love you. Go after that dick
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
