i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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