Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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