god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
50% drunk capacity currently
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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