i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
