I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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