also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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