i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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