Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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