On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
