then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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