Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
