he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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