I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
