what day is it and did you see me today?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
