woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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