grandma shit on top of the toilet
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
