we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
