quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
