Porn is love you can see.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
birth control should be required to get into college
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
