I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you win again, gameday.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
