ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
