Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You're a waste of cheezeits
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
