I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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