literally had 100 drinks last night.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
