If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
