Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
