Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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