She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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