My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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