The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You made out with two different species that night
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
