dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
