The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
