do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
