My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
