I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
not ubering you a puppy
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
