im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
this is an emotional support booty call
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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