I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
