You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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