how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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