What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
