theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
