considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Just puked most of my soul out..
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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