My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
