i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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