I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
