I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
